Searching for people who like me for me

I’ve never really felt understood. At risk of sounding like that girl on The Bachelor who always gets sent home during the third week because she is “too complex” for the guy to fall in love with or the girls to get along with, I mean it – that’s how I’ve always felt.

For years, I just went with the flow. I effortlessly floated down the stream in the same direction as everyone else in my town that was too small for any room for dissent. I liked what everyone else liked, I always agreed with my peers and kept it to myself if I didn’t and I got along with everyone. People liked me. I was happy. But I wasn’t myself.

Since I have started being myself, I feel more fulfilled than ever. I am thriving. But often times now, I’m struggling to swim against the flow rather than floating along with it and it gets exhausting because the flow never eases up, and it never just lets someone fight it. It tries to use its strength to pull the dissenter back into the conformity.

But the best way to explain it isn’t through a beat-around-the-bush, over-done metaphor. It’s just to admit that the more that I love myself and who I am becoming, the more it seems like everybody around me dislikes me. It’s really hard to be yourself in a world that doesn’t want you to be. It’s hard to take pride in your beliefs when the world would rather you not express them at all.

As silly as it sounds, social media has helped me through this feeling. It has made me realize that the world is so much more than Hopedale and there are thousands of people out there like me – like-minded people who really understand me and share the same passions, beliefs and lust for life that I do. But social media isn’t good enough. It’s not reality.

It’s comforting to see these people who are similar to me and are interested in unique music, vinyl, craft beer, hiking, writing, deep thoughts, books, music festivals, learning and all of the other things that I am so passionate about, yet, I do not actually know any of these people in real life.

I mean, I do have friends, but I no longer have many that extend beyond the occasional “Hey, let’s meet up for a drink and catch up.” At this age, it’s almost a task to keep up with friends.

And I don’t want it to be a “task” to be friends with someone. I don’t want to feel obligated to squeeze time into our busy schedules just to meet up and catch up. Basically, I don’t want to have to “catch up” at all because I want to be experiencing it all as it happens. I want plans to be spontaneous and I want frequent texts or phonecalls about what my friends are thinking or going through. And at this point in my life, I don’t have a lot of friends who are like-minded enough with me to the point that a friendship just comes naturally.

Sometimes social media makes me feel like it would be different if I lived in a different part of the country or world.

I have had many great conversations with a handful of soulmates across the country who would probably be a best friend if we lived closer. I am thankful for those little conversations that put a smile on my face and get me inspired about something new but I can’t help but be sad that I don’t personally know any of these people.

I have seen glimpses of who I think are these people in acquaintances that I actually know who share a good song that is not just the same old crap on the top 100 list or blog a complex thought they had that gets no likes because nobody thinks like that which I understand and can feel for because I am the same way and know there is nothing more unfulfilling than feeling in a way that nobody else feels.

Then sometimes I think I have these friends but time and convenience are both far too rare so any further bonding is near impossible. Plus, most of these people are all more enamored with the friends they’ve made in college or the new lives they have to care about the past they left behind.

And I’m just worried that I am now at the age where “making new friends” just comes to a halt and I will never have these people in my life with the qualities that I crave to enjoy the type of moments that only people like me enjoy.

I want friends who collect vinyl or at the very least listen to real music- the kind that’s actually original and not over-produced; who don’t mind hushing for a second to stop and listen to my favorite line in a song and will give their input rather than brush it off.

I want friends who can appreciate a rare and delicious beer rather than ones who will just suck anything down in an attempt to escape reality.

I want friends who take politics seriously and realize they have the power to change the world.

I want friends who will climb mountains with me or are at least down to hike out in the middle of the woods and meditate on the earth’s beauty.

I want friends who have the same passion for learning that I do – who won’t brush off some silly little interesting fact that I learned today.

I want friends who want to talk about things other than the boys that they like or the girls that they hate (not that I don’t appreciate a good gossip/venting session every now and then.)

I want friends who can appreciate literature and are down to have book club with me and analyze themes and literary devices of some of the most respected books of all time or even some trashy novel – I don’t really care.

I want friends who will spend hours with me trying to learn guitar until our fingers callus and we decide we aren’t very good at all and then move on to some other crazy passion on a whim.

I want friends who will go from camping on a beach one night, to hiking a mountain the next morning, and will convince me to do exactly that after I decide I’m not down for that much adventure.

But more importantly than having friends who share every last interest with me is having friends who at least don’t think I think I’m better than everyone else because I happen to like the things I do (which I never understood how that even makes sense); and who won’t make fun of me for liking all of these things that I do like or being over-the-top passionate or just being myself because they understand.

I want friends who will make me a little less cautious and a little more spontaneous and will open me up to new things that I never would have imagined enjoying.

I just want to be around people who inspire me and who will make me a better person.

I know they’re out there, and sometimes I wonder why I can’t just take a leap of faith and befriend a complete stranger that I think I can gain something from, because this is just life and when it’s all over it’s just over and none of it matters anymore.